50 Shades of Grey

by E.L. James

this one's a doozy

Cover Beauty Score: 1 out of 10
Goodreads Score: 1 out of 5

Plot Blurb: Anastasia Steele is a meek(er) girl finishing up her college career and has to interview a huge CEO when her journalist friend falls sick. She meets Christian Grey, the CEO, and is immediately drawn to him. He starts to pop up around her and eventually proposes a scandalous deal with Ana which involves his kinky sex preferences and her servility. She struggles with the decision of whether or not to take him up on the offer throughout the book.

My reaction: Is the world slowly degrading its reading level on purpose? This was seriously the worst piece of dribble I think I've ever read in a published format. I mean, honestly, the writing was so horrendous that it was a joke. A literal joke. I seriously hope that the world is obsessed with this book merely for its comedic value. As I sit here staring at the keys on my laptop I cannot honestly decide where to begin my degrading commentary.

Shall we touch on the fact that James mentions the lip biting about five million times PER PAGE? It is annoying. I have a theory that women think lip biting is much more sexy than men think it is. Think about it. Whenever we want to appear sexy, we nibble on the lower lip, hoping it will force our man into songs of rapture and professions of love, but it never really does. Obviously James is completely obsessed with this concept. If I were Mr. Grey and the girl I was boning bit her lip that much I think I'd smack the shit out of her too.

The dialogue was horrible. Unreadable, really. The analogies make me cringe. Hot brownie fudge covered sex with a cherry on top? Really? I mean... really?

On that note, let's take some quotes I highlighted on my kindle (yes I had to read it in digital format to cover my embarrassment):

"Stalker, my subconscious whispers at me through the cloud of tequila that's still floating in my brain, but somehow, because it's him, I don't mind."  AND ANOTHER IN THE SAME VEIN "Stalking is one of his specialties." 
WHAT? How is it that stalking is an attractive quality? I understand you want your man to keep his eye on you and protect you... but stalking? That is not an attractive adjective, people. How is it that we are fostering this type of mentality? Him tracing her cell phone is just creepy. Not a joke. It's plain creepy.

"I don't remember reading about nipple clamps in the bible." OR THIS ONE "Holy Moses, he's all mine to play with, and suddenly it's Christmas." REALLY?
These are self explanatory, I think. I hope. Please tell me you think these quotes are stupid as hell.

"He's no gentleman. He has my panties." AND "Oh, crapola. Don't get your panties in such a twist... and give me back mine." 
This whole panties gone thing was weird. I hope these excerpts illustrate a bit of that. I mean... I can't even.. I just... There's nothing to say. And don't even get me started on how many times she gushes about her inner goddess. If I have to read one more thing about that bitch jumping up and down I'm going to throw my kindle against the wall. As a matter of fact, Ana seems to have quite a few voices running around inside her head. Perhaps we should be analyzing her for possible psychosis... multiple personalities maybe? It would explain a lot...

So in conclusion... the writing is horrible. Beyond horrible. If I were Stephanie Myer and knew that this was a fan fiction of Twilight... I think I might go jump off a cliff. It seriously makes the Twilight books look like classic literature. And anyone that can't understand that this book is horrid needs to go back to high school, Or middle school. Or possibly elementary, because that's where your reading level is obviously located.

In all honestly, I expected to enjoy this. I thought that I was being pretentious by holding my head high and not reading it. And it has nothing to do with the sex scenes... I'm a self professed lover of romance novels - I read sex scenes daily. The biggest thing that pisses me off about this is that it gives the romance genre a bad name all around. This is by far the most popular romance novel ever written and now the nation will assume that romance is a waste of time and it's the joke that society already thinks it is.

So thanks, E.L. James, for ruining the romance genre as a whole.

Somehow you made millions off of this, so I guess you're a fucking genius too.

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